Thursday, September 04, 2008

Here I am God!

WARNING: This is VERY honest! I am not saying any of this to hurt anyone's feelings. If you have been in this place in your life you understand. I am not asking anyone to fix this. I just need to share my heart. I need to work through this battle, this hurtle, this hurt, this pain, this sadness so that I can go on to do what I am here to do.

Today is just not turning out to be one of my finer days. Since this morning I have battled with these feelings instead of facing them. I opened the medicine cabinet for the 5th time this morning, this time to give Abe medicine for the 3rd time. Usually it doesn't bother me. Usually I do not see the multitude of medications up there. Usually I don't think about the fact those are for my children. Usually I don't think about why they take them. That time when I opened the cabinet the smell, the colors of the bottles, pills, capsules, tablets, synringes, each little thing hit me like a ton of bricks. I fought back tears. Held my baby tight and once again gave him medicine.

I usually look at it as it's helping him. This time I felt as if I was putting something foreign into his body. Not quite understanding where these feelings were coming from I swallowed hard and walked away. Holding him tighter, closer, kissing him as a tear hit his face. I sat down to nurse him. I turned the tv on in hopes of making these thoughts go away. Out of habit I clicked on TIVO. A new Jon and Kate plus 8. Big mistake. Usually I can sit and watch and really enjoy it. As soon as I saw those children I thought HOW, WHY can they have 8 perfectly healthy children and I can have 1.

I HATE these feelings!!! I hate when I have to face them to get through. I have learned over the years pushing to the back, sucking it up, putting on a front and becoming numb doesn't always work for me. Beth reminds me that I have to work through it. I have to face it. No offense to anyone but sometimes I need this. Sometimes I don't need those well meaning words of ah but look at all your blessings. Yes I see them! Everyday I see them. Everyday I pray for them. Everyday I am thankful for them. Today life stinks! It's hard! I love breezing through and taking it one minute at a time. Truth is some days it's ???? What's the word? I am not sure there is one.

Thankfully my phone rings. I have to get up, walk away from the tv to get it. I am crying hard by this time. Usually I would suck up the tears, answer the phone and cover up the fact that I am crying. For some reason I don't. When I hear that voice on the other end I know why. Michala's Aicardi sister's mom was calling. She could tell by my voice I was crying. How are you she said? I knew I couldn't get away with I am fine. So what do I do? I let it flow. The tears come along with every thought and feeling that I have bottled up inside at that moment. No fear of her wondering where I am coming from. No fear of her saying do I need to come over. No fear of her saying oh it's going to get better. No fear of her quoting a scripture. No fear of her praying with me. She knows where I am. She knows it will go away. She knows it will come back. She is right there with me.

I will say God is good. If not for any other reason today but the fact that he had this sister in Christ call me at this very minute. There are times when I am hurting when the phone will not ring. I will not receive an email of encouragement at that very moment when I think I need it. He knows best and He is saying turn to me. This morning I was right there with Him. He had heard it all. Even though I know He knows my heart I shared it with Him. Honest, open and with all the glory of my mood. He knew what I needed!

Then after that I get an email. It was a little lengthy and I promise I read it all but out of the whole email what stood out the most was Ok, I miss you but love you tons more! She didn't know what kind of day I was having. She just said what God knew I needed to hear probably without even knowing I needed to hear it. I am thankful God knows what I need.

So as you can tell this in an unusually day. Nothing usual about it. The same things I do most days but just something about it is different. Something I need to face. Something I need to deal with and work through. This too shall pass. It may return. No it will return. I will arm myself and deal with it when it comes. I am thankful that I can share my heart. I am thankful there are those in my life that will allow me to feel this way, some will understand, some never will, others will walk away cause it's too much, others will draw closer just to stand near me, others I will not see I will only feel their presence because they are so close to me they are lifting me up, carrying me through and standing in the gap for me, others will sit with me, not judge me and enjoy my pity party with me.

As usual I didn't proof this. I just let my heart flow through my fingers.


Anonymous said...

just sending y'all hugs. :) maggie

Anonymous said...

Lots of hugs from here too. Wishing we could get together for a cup of tea. Hugs, Laura

Kris said...

I'm in the SCaL users group and was just reading through your blog. This entry really touched me. I can relate to it in so many ways, yet so differently. My husband is serving in Iraq right now, so mine has to do with that rather than with kids. Thank you for putting into words what I can never seem to!


Got Faith? BLOG said...

Thank you for that. Sometimes you may feel like a downer when you write honestly, but it is comforting to those who have felt the same way. I know that feeling--of looking at typical children and wondering, "why not mine?" It hurts, it stinks.
As I read your profile I thought, "Wow. God must think very highly of this woman." I don't know you but I know that you must be incredible because God has entrusted you with so much. You and your children are a beacon and a voice for life, for the importance and value that God places on every human life. As you care for and love your children, you shine a light for God's love to everyone watching you. Without saying a word, your children bring glory to their creator.
I know the pain is real--I am the mom of a baby who has been diagnosed with Aicardi Syndrome. It is gut-wrenching at times, but I am so encouraged by moms like you who walk through it trusting the Creator, the one who made our kids.
Hang in there and know that God is using you and your children, and He is glorified.