For awhile now I have been struggling. The email I just sent said a lot of it. I am lonely. I have my husband that I am so very thankful for. I am also very thankful for our wonderful children. Still I am lonely. I always try to look for whatever God is trying to teach me through things. Counting on him. Depending on him & turning to him to fill a void.
Before I continue to share these feelings I want to say I am not looking for sympathy. I do want to ask ya'll for prayers please. I try so hard to cover up & mask the struggles. If not I would be crying a lot more often. I am admitting that being a caregiver 24/7 is exhausting. I have hit a wall & been knocked down hard. Each time I try to stand back up & dust myself off I am knocked back down.
I just received a message from a prayer warrior in my life. It was just kind of out of the blue. She said I am one of the strongest women she has ever known, but I don't always have to be. I don't always have to be. Wow! What powerful words. Just someone giving me permission not to have to be strong.
I don't want to be strong. I want to lie down in my mommie's lap & cry until I fall asleep.
The world can be such a hard, dark & lonely place. That's the world I am experiences lately. A world of sickness, disease, handicaps, seizures, fear, worry & heartbreak.
I fear waking up & one of my babies have gone to be with Jesus. I worry that I am missing something that is going on with them medically. I worry that Mary Elizabeth will get sick before we find her a new doctor. I fear getting old & who will take care of my babies. I fear getting old & my babies not being here anymore. I worry about Marlee Anne having these fears.
Am I doing all I can do? Am I doing the right thing? Am I doing what God wants me to do? Am I doing his will? Am I becoming more like him? Am I being moldable?
The sad part about this battle with satan is that I know what's right. I know that God's got this. I know the scriptures. I am praying the prayers. I got the praise music going. I can't go it alone. I have said many times this takes a village. Well I need ya'll. I need that village lifting me up. I need prayers for an attitude adjustment. I need to change my thoughts & ideas about all this. I need the fear & worry to be gone. I know all that's possible.
Wow. Look at that last paragraph. I am being very needy. My first thought is to apologize for that but I cannot. I am really in need right now. Please pray for me.
Monday, April 22, 2013
I am a special needs mom. And I have secrets. Things I don't talk about and stuff that other mom's don't know,or may have forgotten along the way...
- Special Needs Moms are lonely. I yearn for more time with friends and family. Authentically, I have a positive attitude and most often you see me smiling. I may even look like I have this SuperMom thing down, am super busy, and have enough help, but I am lonely. Being a Special Needs Mom doesn't leave me the time to nurture and maintain the relationships I really need.I could get super detailed here about the hands-on caring for my child ( Do you remember when your kids were toddlers? That hovering thing you had to do? It's that plus some.) The plus-some includes spreading my Mom love around to my other child and my husband, who on a daily basis are put on hold, waiting for my attention.I don't have much time to call or email my friends and even family...and if they don't call or email me, well then I feel massive guilt about the time that has passed. More negative stuff that I pile on my shoulders. Getting out is tough. I really miss the day's when I had playgroups with other Mom's, open-house style, dropping in and drinking coffee at a friends' kitchen table with my child playing nearby.