Thursday, March 11, 2010


I started this note earlier today. Originally it was going to be a blog post but I thought I should update on our two appts this week. Well at least a little I did. I didn't finish until tonight so it's quite the mixture.
Waiting on Abe to come back to day surgery. He should have been done with his MRI & in recovery by now. I am frozen to my chair & don't want to ask. Being so well in tune to me & my anxiousness Mike walks 
outside and ask. They are checking now.

As I sit here praying part of my prayer includes something I have been praying about lately. When do we get to the point that we say enough is enough. I am praying for God to clearly say ok we are here. We have  searched all we can to help Abe. Here is the child I have created.  Here he is. Take him, love & nurture him.

My head wants more. My head wants answers. My heart says enough. My heart has put him through enough.

I don't remember the exact moments or even years when we got to that  point with Mary Elizabeth & Michala. I just know the feeling of peace that came flooding over me when we said ok. It's ok. We will now choose to treat their symptoms instead of putting them through  unnecessary stress just to find answers. Especially if those answers are not going to help & are not going to change things. If it's  something they can do to help get answers or find a cure for someone else & nothing too stressful or painful is involved then ok. Other than that I am at peace with their lives.

For the most part I have good days. I love my family & I cherish the blessings they are. Some days that is overshadowed by seizures or all  the overwhelming medical junk. Usually insurance & medical bills & 
being tired from jumping through hoops.

Yesterday as I was talking to my niece I broke down worse than I have  in quite sometime. As I was crying Marlee Anne came to see what was wrong. I told her I was ok. She sat beside me, put her arm around me & 
said mom when Abe gets to heaven he will be fine. He will run & play & everything will be fine. It's like sometimes she becomes this wise adult sent to teach me so much.

Then just the other day she was talking about soon when Abe walks &  talks. She said she can't wait to hear his voice. She hopes & longs  for so much for him. A feeling I know oh too well.

I will admit this has been a very long & stressful week. I am so glad  we have those appts behind us. The ERG is something I never want to do  again. I know never say never. He cried & so did I. Today was just long.

We should get results in a few weeks. It hit me today that I really do not think I want to know. Who wants to know how imperfect, abnormal or messed up their child's brain is. We don't dwell on the negative & I 
am afraid this is what that will do. However if it gives insight as to  help with his seizures then ok I am ready to listen.

I pulled put my bulldog skirt a couple of times this week. It's now packed away for the weekend.

Tonight we were blessed with a visit from the UGA students from the Metropolitan Design Studio. Along with some awesome local friends. It was a fun visit & a great break from the stressful day. It was so nice 
of them to take the time to come by. It really meant a lot to us. More than any of them will ever realize.

That brings me to this & then I will stop for now. You know when you have that leading or tugging on your 
heart from God to do something - do it! You never know when you may turn someone's day or even their life around.

This week I received an email from a dear friend of mine, yes dear! She was sharing some thoughts to my 
Emory email. I responded back to her & just by her opening that door for me to share more with her it changed my outlook drastically. I went away knowing without a doubt she was praying for those specifics that I asked of her. A friend stepped in at the last minute to sit with the girls so that I could go with Mike & Abe to Emory. Another was a call from my precious friend telling me she loved me. Then a text from a prayer warrior in my life simple saying she was praying for me. Thing is all those things were perfect 
timing that could only have come from God's guidance.

Thankful for those in my life that listen to God's guidance & follow through to help carry me through this journey. Whether it's a facebook  message, a phone call, a text, an email, cookies, coffee, a card, a  pavlova or especially a quite heartfelt prayer - thank you! Praying I  will yield myself to God & be used for HIS glory.

No comments: