Ok ya'll please bear with me as I share my heart one more time tonight. Each day I pray that God will prepare my heart for what He wants me to learn & how He wants me to grow more like Him. I also pray that He will use me & my family, our children & Mike in any way he sees fit. I think praying that is not enough. It has to be more than words. My eyes & my heart have to open & be aware of all that I have sincerely prayed for. Sometimes I am so aware of why God chose me, of why we have to be in this place right now.
Tonight our precious friends Katie & Uncle Buck came to see us. I was telling them about our friend Lindsay being here. I sent Sara a text to see if we could go see her. I thought nothing about where we were about to go. I walked through the doors of Aflac where I first walked through 13 years ago. Behind those transplant doors I saw that little room & heard Dr. Olson's words when he told us Michala had cancer. I was brought back to today when my dear friend Sara - Lindsay's mom walked out with that smile of her's on her face.
Ok I have to take a minute to tell you about Sara. Here is the mom whose daughter was days from survivor clinic relapse with Leukemia. Here is a mom whose daughter gave bone marrow to her sister Lindsay to save her life. Here is a mom who hears that her daughter has relapsed for a second time. Still she walks out with a smile on her face.
While she is catching up with Buck my thoughts creep back to those horrible chemotherapy days. As we get up to go see Lindsay and we walk through those dreaded doors my legs get heavier & heavier. Two doors down from Lindsay was where Michala was when she had her very first chemo. Four doors down the other direction was where we sat as we were told our baby wouldn't make it through the night. Her body had handle all it could & it was shutting down.
Then I am standing in front of Lindsay's door. My heart breaks into a million pieces. No one could have prepared me for what I saw. Sara had told me she was so very sick. Sara told me that she was weak. No where in my mind & heart was she this sick & this weak.
How many times do I get caught up in me & mine. How many times am I so overwhelmed with life, with seizures, with medical issues? This week I even used the words self absorbed. There is a world around me that is hurting. No amount of money, gifts or even coffee & Krispy Kreme donuts (a story for another day) that will take away Lindsay's pain & heal her of leukemia. However those extra minutes I have stopped at a light, waiting on meds to dissolve, waiting on Abe's second beep on his pump, I can say an extra prayer for Lindsay, for her mom, dad & sister. God reminded me why I am here. Am I caring for others? No not like He wants me to be. Who is your Lindsay? Who does God want you to reach out to? I know it takes time. I know your time is precious. When we stand in front of Him and He ask was "this" more important than "them" what will we say? My prayer is that MY "this" will get out of the way so HIS "them" will be first & foremost in my life.
As I finished this email Sara text me that Lindsay had a nose bleed & platelets were on the way. Please lift sweet 13,year old Lindsay up in your prayers. These are times I don't understand why this happens for a reason.