Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Wrestling with God

Wrestling with God

This was the title of Sunday's sermon. As soon as I saw it I wanted to bolt out the door. Yes there are thousands of other people there but I knew this sermon was written for me. 

As Jim began talking about we are thankful for something and know it's right BUT..... I was there. I was sucked in going through every thought. 

Yes I know Abe isn't having seizures anymore BUT I want to hold him one more time even if it's while he is having a seizure. 
Yes I know he is running around playing BUT I want to run with him. 
Yes I know he is breathing on his own BUT just one more time I want to put that oxygen back in his nose and silence that monitor beeping. 

My list goes on and on but for ya'll I will stop there. Now the battle about my sweet baby girl. 

I know Mary Elizabeth is sitting at the feet of Jesus taking it all in BUT I want her here with me. Eight months ago just three months since Abe left us she was gone. God what could I have done different? How could I have saved her? What if (very dangerous words) I had taken her to the hospital sooner? What did I miss? Why did I miss it? 

I know our days are numbered. I believe the date was already chosen BUT I still blame myself. I still question. I still ask. I still wonder. 

I know we are in the right place right now for Michala BUT I miss being together as a family. 
I am thankful Michala is getting help BUT I wish more people had this medicine. 
I know getting her off pharmaceutical medications was the right thing to do BUT when she has a seizure I wonder will she have to have them again. 
I know she is doing so much better than before cannabis oil BUT what if (that dangerous word again) that changes. 

I know Mike is a big boy BUT I worry about his traveling and the stress of providing two homes for us is causing him. 
God has blessed us with wonderful friends here BUT I miss our family and friends in GA. 
We have a wonderful church here BUT I miss those Sunday morning hugs and that southern breakfast. 
We have a nice home BUT I miss the comforts of our home. 
We are not starving BUT I miss Henderson's and all the local southern food. 

I call it a war raging but I am definitely wrestling with God. I believe Him and trust Him and I am so thankful that He is ok with me wrestling with Him. When I tire from the wrestling I am thankful to know He will be there waiting to hold me, love me and continue to carry me. 

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