I have never experienced pain this intense. Even when we received the children's diagnosis or when the doctor told us Michala had stage 4 angiosarcoma cancer the pain wasn't like this. I have never experienced loss at this depth. I was a daddy's girl and hurt deeply when my daddy died. Even when we lost our little boy we never held. When my brother died I wasn't sure how I would make it without him. I lost my best friend in November when my mom died but still the loss wasn't like this.
I know the scripture, I know that Abe is in heaven but still the pain is terribly intense.
There are times when it hurts to even breathe. Sometimes I literally have to remind myself to breathe. Simple things in life are no longer simple or easy to do.
I truly feel as if I have lost my joy. I feel lost. It's hard to pray and read my bible. There have been times like this when we are in the hospital and were told they wouldn't make it through the night but they have passed. Too much, too soon?
No matter what happens is the title for our family blog. The rest of the Johnson Brothers' song says I will give God the praise. Everything happens for a reason. I even preface that with I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. This too shall pass is something else I often said. All these things I have said so often and truly believed them. Where is that belief now?
Why the struggle within me? Why the battle?
I love to craft but just packed up all my ribbon without one single care. I love to write and share my heart. Now it's hard for my heart feelings to even get out. When it does my thoughts are jumbled. I am not able to read a book because within a few lines I forgot what I was reading. My love for TV and even Hallmark movies has faded.
When I close my eyes I see Abe sitting in his car seat. His coloring as we have seen before when he has a seizure. I touch him expecting him to gasp for a breath but nothing. If I am able to drift off to sleep I wake up at 2:00 in a panic because he always had a seizure at 2:00 AM.
As we try to do things together as A family there is a wheelchair missing, a car seat missing, Abe is missing.
Some say it takes time. Some say
you have to find a new normal. I don't want to find a new normal. I do want to find peace. I want to find joy.
The tears continue to flow on a regular basis. Often a memory comes and I can smile. Sometimes I even laugh. There are 5 of us grieving, all differently, at different times, in different ways.
My thoughts are jumbled. Maybe even though they are humbled they need to come out. They need to be shared.
I wish I could hold him one more time. While I am holding him I want my mom to hold me.