Sunday, August 17, 2014

3 weeks ago

Three weeks ago today we were driving home from Chicago. We had gone there for Michala's Aicardi conference. Since before that trip I haven't journaled at all. I had plans to journal about the trip once we got home. All the fun moments, all the hugs & love from our wonderful Aicardi family. The fun Marlee Anne, Grace & I had at Six Flags Great America. All that was clouded by our 6 year old son, Abe passing away. 

On the trip there and home he did wonderful. He will often get fussy with longs rides in his car seat but not this time. He had Marlee Anne on one side & Grace on the other. He would laugh out loud, smile & just really enjoyed the trip. He even got us with some real good poopy diapers. I remember so clearly when Grace started to watch Frozen. I had just finished feeding him & he looked over at her computer screen as if approving of her movie choice. 

When we got to Grace's house to let her out around 1:30 AM I reached back to pull her duffle bag out. When I did I noticed Abe's mouth was blue. My heart stopped. He often has seizures where that happens & had seizures all day just like every other day. I got back there to him & he wasn't breathing. I told Mike Abe wasn't breathing & I started getting him out of his car seat. Mike told Grace to call 911. Now as I type this for the first time it's like a horrible nightmare. Did all this really happen. 

Mike took him inside & we started CPR on him. Soon the fire, police & EMT were there working on him. It was like an out of body experience watching them & feeling deep in my heart he was already gone. My head was cloudy. My thoughts went to why, what happened, what could I or should I have done different, why him, why now, why God? Those questions still haven't been answered. 

Riding to the hospital in the ambulance with Abe in the back felt different this time. There was a disconnect. A longing for my son but knowing in my heart he wasn't back there. 

Once Mike got to the hospital the doctor came & told us Abe didn't make it. Keith brought Marlee Anne over to the hospital. I was thinking it could have happened in Chicago or on the way home but it was once we got to Covington, to Kim & Keith's. No rushing to call around to get someone to stay with Mary Elizabeth & Michala. Just everything was right except that this was my son that died. My son that I would no longer hold, touch, kiss, talk to & snuggle with. I don't understand. 

The next few days were a blur. I was there for his service, saw people, hugged people but still in this fog. Some say it's protection to help you get through those first few days. 

Friday after his service on Thursday everything went back to normal for others. The world went on while I was left to figure out where I fit in this world. I still had my rock and my 3 girls but a huge part of me was gone. Simple things like breathing were no longer simple. Every little thing takes such an incredible amount of effort. 

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