Heart thoughts - 18, graduation, college

Ok so between 18th birthday, graduation, leaving for college, way more reflection than my heart was prepared for and just life my emotions are all over the place so please bear with me or just skip this raw, honest, transparent, heart over flowing long and possibly rambling post. After Abe was born we tried to continue going to church. We had three children with extensive special needs along with one normal, typical, active, healthy 6 year old. It was hard juggling each of their needs and doing what was best for us as a family. I was done, beat down, given up, tired of trying and exhausted. Yes those are all hard for me to even type even though I know I should admit it more often because a child with extensive special needs turning into an adult doesn’t suddenly make life easier. Nor does two of those children leaving make it easier. So after much prayer I walked away. Not from Jesus because I knew I couldn’t do any of this on my own or without Him but from the church. I should say the church building. It was easier to be at home doing church even though back then there wasn’t online options that there are now. It wasn’t easy to walk away because we had been there since Mary Elizabeth was 3, so 12 years. It was easier being at home even though we missed the people until that 6 year old missed it and needed that fellowship. I have a few regrets in life and this is one that haunts me quite often if I let it. When your child comes to you and ask to go back to church it’s a clear answer to prayers we had been praying for awhile. Our dear friend invited us to Starrsville. Mike stayed at home with everyone and Marlee Anne and I went to church. This church welcomed everyone of us and loved us well. It was just easier not to take everyone and have to be worried (because of us not the church) about them being loud and disruptive. The friendships made here we never knew why God was creating them and making them so strong. When mom passed away we knew. This church stepped in and loved us so incredibly well. This sweet girl had just lost her best friend and each one of these ladies at church that she had become friends with continued to love her so well as she grieved. When Abe and then Mary Elizabeth passed away they once again stepped in to love us so well. Even while we were in Colorado they loved us so well from a distance. Thanks to a lot of prayer along with Focus on the Family we found a church our second Sunday there in Colorado. The most amazing ministry for older children with special needs. Because of that ministry Mike and I were able to worship together in service for the first time in years. The life long friendships made at this church will be cherished forever. It will be a church model that Marlee Anne will keep in mind for her church so that families with special needs are ministered too and not lost in the crowd. When we moved back home finding a church was harder than ever. No where could we find a model like our Colorado church. Find a church and start the ministry? Yes that was a thought but mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually I wasn’t ready. We visited, searched, prayed, visited and I cried lots of tears. Again I was ready to be done. Could I just stay at home? A wise man said no let’s keep searching. My heart hurt and I didn’t want to search and feel out of place anymore. A group of beautiful hearted UGA Miracle college students invited us to church with them. Ok why not. The biggest plus was that there was a place for Michala. No it’s not a ministry for her. It’s a place where she can sit with Mike and I during worship. It wasn’t like being at home in our church in Colorado but it worked. Marlee Anne has her small group and she serves a sweet group in Upstreet. Mike also found his calling by being a buddy to a boy with autism so that his parents can worship together knowing their son is safe and enjoying his age group. I still have days as I’m pushing Michala in her wheelchair when I feel out of place but it’s me and not the people of the church. It the enemy saying you don’t fit, you’re not like the other families and reminding me it would be easier to be at home. Well anyway you see the battle raging if I don’t give it to God on a daily, several times daily basis and let Him fight it for me and quiet the voices of the enemy. So here’s where all this is coming from. Marlee Anne had a friend reach out to her and invite her to house church. Conveniently it was right down the street from our home so no excuses except for that nasty enemy with those thoughts of, will I know anyone, will I be welcomed, is it ok if I attend another church and on and on ..... Well you get the idea. She went and the rest is history. House church, small group and a loving tribe that we had prayed for. The coolest thing to me is that this is the same church building I walked away from 15 years ago. Jesus healing my hurts and wiping those regrets away? Oh I hope so because my heart needs some healing. To see Marlee Anne being lead by Kurt who we loved as a child and watch him grow into a teen and then into an incredible youth pastor is like coming full circle. He has welcomed Marlee Anne into the youth group and has not once treated her as an outsider. Holly has been such a supportive, encouraging and loving small group leader. Her small group has welcomed her and been so kind. Seeing prayers answered are so precious to my heart. Eastridge recognized the seniors on Saturday with very kind heartfelt gifts and signs at the road. They had a drive thru celebration for them. They have truly been kind welcoming Marlee Anne in. Then Saturday night we made our first trip back to Athens since Marlee Anne had been accepted to UGA. First time in the church parking lot since quarantine and first time seeing the green space completed. So many emotions as Marlee Anne had senior pictures made on the green space. Athens Church set this up as a gift to the seniors. My followup thoughts on all this. I’ve apologized to my sweet girl for my shortcomings. Not sure if that particular regret changed the direction of our sweet girl’s life, helped it go the way it should but I truly believe God used it. Life is hard and I’ve made some plenty of mistakes trying to raise this beautiful gift from God. God loaning Marlee Anne to us and trusting us with her is humbling. Sweet girl we love you dearly and are so thankful you have a Heavenly Father that loves you more than we can ever comprehend. Keep shining and loving.