Friday, May 06, 2016

Faith Struggle

This week I have struggled with my faith in ways I never have before. Someone asked me a question and asked me to think about it. As soon as I was asked the question it knocked me too my knees. Not in a good way where I was on my knees to pray but where I was floored. The life knocked out of me. Not only did I have no desire to read scripture but I had no desire to touch or open my bible. That's not a first for me but this time it was different. 

I don't believe the question was what did it or almost sent me over the edge. I think  it was a culmination of so many things in life. I recently had some biopsies that came back bad. I had to have the places cutout to get a clear margin. I've been in pain and I'm not good with pain. I have stitches that I'm waiting to have removed and hope that healing will continue and I will feel better soon. Marlee Anne turned 14 today. Sunday is Mother's Day. I don't think I have faced the fact that this will be my third Mother's Day without my mom and my second without Mary Elizabeth and Abe. It's not how life is supposed to be. Yes that's one of those things people say but this one for me is true. I'm not supposed to have to go through life's challenges without my mom. I'm certainly  not supposed to go through life without two of my children I had here with me. I know other daughters and moms do but I'm not supposed to. Neither are they. 

Maybe all this is just one of the grief stages I haven't hit. Maybe every Mother's Day will be this way. Maybe I'm getting it out of the way so I can enjoy Sunday. 

I know my thoughts are kinda discombobulated (thanks to my upgraded iPhone for the word hints) but I'm saying that to say one card. Just one note card made this week worth it. It made me stop and view how I have lived my life this week. Not very beautifully. One FaceTime with a cherished friend reminded me of how God places people in our lives at just the right time and gives us our hearts desire even at times when we are not sure what our desire is or what we need. Family and friends there to help out when they know I couldn't do it without them. 

I'm not sure why this off roading has taken place but I'm hoping I'm soon back on the right path. 

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