Monday, April 22, 2013

Struggles

For awhile now I have been struggling. The email I just sent said a lot of it. I am lonely. I have my husband that I am so very thankful for. I am also very thankful for our wonderful children. Still I am lonely. I always try to look for whatever God is trying to teach me through things. Counting on him. Depending on him & turning to him to fill a void.

Before I continue to share these feelings I want to say I am not looking for sympathy. I do want to ask ya'll for prayers please. I try so hard to cover up & mask the struggles. If not I would be crying a lot more often. I am admitting that being a caregiver 24/7 is exhausting. I have hit a wall & been knocked down hard. Each time I try to stand back up & dust myself off I am knocked back down.

I just received a message from a prayer warrior in my life. It was just kind of out of the blue. She said I am one of the strongest women she has ever known, but I don't always have to be. I don't always have to be. Wow! What powerful words. Just someone giving me permission not to have to be strong.

I don't want to be strong. I want to lie down in my mommie's lap & cry until I fall asleep.

The world can be such a hard, dark & lonely place. That's the world I am experiences lately. A world of sickness, disease, handicaps, seizures, fear, worry & heartbreak.

I fear waking up & one of my babies have gone to be with Jesus. I worry that I am missing something that is going on with them medically. I worry that Mary Elizabeth will get sick before we find her a new doctor. I fear getting old & who will take care of my babies. I fear getting old & my babies not being here anymore. I worry about Marlee Anne having these fears.

Am I doing all I can do? Am I doing the right thing? Am I doing what God wants me to do? Am I doing his will? Am I becoming more like him? Am I being moldable?


The sad part about this battle with satan is that I know what's right. I know that God's got this. I know the scriptures. I am praying the prayers. I got the praise music going. I can't go it alone. I have said many times this takes a village. Well I need ya'll. I need that village lifting me up. I need prayers for an attitude adjustment. I need to change my thoughts & ideas about all this. I need the fear & worry to be gone. I know all that's possible.

Wow. Look at that last paragraph. I am being very needy. My first thought is to apologize for that but I cannot. I am really in need right now. Please pray for me.

Thank you!!!

2 comments:

Tammy Melton Cook said...

Kelly I'm so sorry to hear your struggles .. You are a strong woman and you have to be to do what you do... Not just anyone has the capabilities and gifts you have... I'm putting your name on my mirror in remembrance to pray for you on a daily bases. So you'll know I'll be praying in between 730 & 830 Mom thru Sin.

CyndiAKADisneyqueen said...

I love you sis! This just reminds me I need to check on you more often!