Sunday, February 07, 2010

Heart ramblings

Today I am thankful to be feeling better & moving a little better. Hopefully with each day I will get back to myself. Hopefully soon! Thanks so much for the prayers & support!

My heart has been thinking, dreaming, & even grieving lately. Next Sunday our sweet baby boy turns 2. I immediately thank God for his life & these 2 years. There is definitely reason for him to be here because he could have slipped away so easily. Some people say wow can you believe it's been 2 years. Well yes actually I can. The past 2 years somedays feels like a lifetime of heartache & fear. Then on the other hand no it's just a blink of an eye & I cannot love him enough.

I am grieving the baby I thought for 9 months that I would be having. I am thinking of what would have been. I am dreaming of what he would be like.

For Abe's 2nd birthday we are going to the Big Apple Circus to support Camp Sunshine. He will be 2 and sitting in a wheelchair. A wheelchair?! That's not right! He may not even realize he is at the circus. He may have seizures that day. Why should that day be any different from all the others.

The only gifts I would like to give him for his birthday cannot be purchased. No amount of money can buy what I long for him. Not even the best doctors can heal him. God for whatever reason has chosen not to at this time. That for me is hard! That is so entirely selfish of me because I do believe God makes no mistakes. I believe that Abe is perfect. All the medications & medical equipment, breathing treatments & oxygen get to be too much sometimes. I am first & foremost his mommie. Then I am his caregiver. Today my mommie heart hurts & longs for more. Again that is truly selfish because he doesn't long for amything. His heart is pure & perfect & he knows he has all he needs.

I went through all this with Mary Elizabeth & Michala, well I actually still do on their birthdays. You would think I would be used to it. I so wanted to share this today & not next week so that I could get it out. So I could ask for your prayers. I want next Sunday to be a celebration of a beautiful life that God so perfectly blessed us with.

That's not to say I won't still wish that Abe was sitting up watching the circus, laughing & smiling. I wish to see those sweet feet walking & running. I long to hear him say mommie I love you. I will hold on to that hope.

I know some of you understand this all too well. For that I am so very sorry! I know some of you don't understand but care so much for us. Thank you for letting me ramble & share my heartfelt thoughts.


Jess said...

Oh, Kelli. It's not selfish at all for wanting more for your children. You, sweet lady are the single most least-self-serving person I know of.
I'm so sorry your heart is hurting right now. I'm praying that God gives you an extra dose of His grace and sustenance and praising Him for some SUNSHINE to lift those spirits high! :)


Kat said...

Praying for all of you. You are not selfish, but an amazing mommy. Thank you for sharing with us all.

Anonymous said...

Sending Hugs your way from a friend that care for you all very much. One that can't wait till August to give these hugs in person.

~ Kathy ~ said...

Selfish???? I think you are totally AWESOME!!!! Love you bunches!!! See you very soon!!