before Abe's surgery

Just some thoughts I wanted to share before Abe's surgery tomorrow. I am not writing this email searching for answers and I almost didn't share it. However it needs to be written for someone. For me. I need the words on paper so that when we are past this I can look back and see how far we have come. I need these words written so that when some mom gets to that phase or season of her life and she turns to that chapter in my book these words will give her hope, peace or a reassurance that someone else has felt the same way she is feeling.

First off thanks so much for the concern for me today with my ultrasound. Everything was clear!!! WOOHOO!!! God is good. I am so glad to have that behind me going into tomorrow.

Today has been terribly hard. I am worn out from battling satan cause he came at me from all angles today. First off I am dealing with being mad that any of this even has to be done. I told Mike that I know what I am supposed feel. I know what I believe. I know the scriptures. I know that God is carrying me through this. Yes I know all that. Still that doesn't take away the anger of the real fact that I HATE putting my baby through this.

That being said I love and I am so very thankful that we are so very blessed to have a wonderful children's hospital so near by where Mike can take us, be with us and then still come home at night and be with our girls. I am thankful that we have family and friends to turn to to help us during this time.

Each time today I felt as though I had hit a wall the phone rang, I got an email or a message, Mike walked in with a cherry limeade, and a dear friend sent a sweet uplifting card with money for breakfast in it. Each time satan stood tall God used someone in a big way to knock him down.

I am also thankful for the inventor of the VNS to give us hope that Abe and Michala will get some relief from their seizures. I am thankful for an amazing neurosurgeon who I feel at peace with leaving my child's life in. I am thankful for a brilliant metabolic specialist that is going to take care in using Abe's muscle and skin to come up with a diagnosis.

I am excited and sad all in one that in 6-8 weeks we will possibly have a diagnosis. I am scared of that diagnosis. I am scared of where it will take us. However I am looking forward to it so that we can move on and possibly open the door to new options for Abe. I am scare that we may not get a diagnosis. We may come up empty handy. Mad because all this has to be done.

Bags are packed and everyone is ready for tomorrow. So please keep everyone in your prayers. Hopefully we will be back home and everyone back together again on Wednesday. Thanks for keeping us in your prayers!!!

With love & much thanks!!!