Heart thoughts - 18, graduation, college

Ok so between 18th birthday, graduation, leaving for college, way more reflection than my heart was prepared for and just life my emotions are all over the place so please bear with me or just skip this raw, honest, transparent, heart over flowing long and possibly rambling post. After Abe was born we tried to continue going to church. We had three children with extensive special needs along with one normal, typical, active, healthy 6 year old. It was hard juggling each of their needs and doing what was best for us as a family. I was done, beat down, given up, tired of trying and exhausted. Yes those are all hard for me to even type even though I know I should admit it more often because a child with extensive special needs turning into an adult doesn’t suddenly make life easier. Nor does two of those children leaving make it easier. So after much prayer I walked away. Not from Jesus because I knew I couldn’t do any of this on my own or without Him but from the church. I should say the church building. It was easier to be at home doing church even though back then there wasn’t online options that there are now. It wasn’t easy to walk away because we had been there since Mary Elizabeth was 3, so 12 years. It was easier being at home even though we missed the people until that 6 year old missed it and needed that fellowship. I have a few regrets in life and this is one that haunts me quite often if I let it. When your child comes to you and ask to go back to church it’s a clear answer to prayers we had been praying for awhile. Our dear friend invited us to Starrsville. Mike stayed at home with everyone and Marlee Anne and I went to church. This church welcomed everyone of us and loved us well. It was just easier not to take everyone and have to be worried (because of us not the church) about them being loud and disruptive. The friendships made here we never knew why God was creating them and making them so strong. When mom passed away we knew. This church stepped in and loved us so incredibly well. This sweet girl had just lost her best friend and each one of these ladies at church that she had become friends with continued to love her so well as she grieved. When Abe and then Mary Elizabeth passed away they once again stepped in to love us so well. Even while we were in Colorado they loved us so well from a distance. Thanks to a lot of prayer along with Focus on the Family we found a church our second Sunday there in Colorado. The most amazing ministry for older children with special needs. Because of that ministry Mike and I were able to worship together in service for the first time in years. The life long friendships made at this church will be cherished forever. It will be a church model that Marlee Anne will keep in mind for her church so that families with special needs are ministered too and not lost in the crowd. When we moved back home finding a church was harder than ever. No where could we find a model like our Colorado church. Find a church and start the ministry? Yes that was a thought but mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually I wasn’t ready. We visited, searched, prayed, visited and I cried lots of tears. Again I was ready to be done. Could I just stay at home? A wise man said no let’s keep searching. My heart hurt and I didn’t want to search and feel out of place anymore. A group of beautiful hearted UGA Miracle college students invited us to church with them. Ok why not. The biggest plus was that there was a place for Michala. No it’s not a ministry for her. It’s a place where she can sit with Mike and I during worship. It wasn’t like being at home in our church in Colorado but it worked. Marlee Anne has her small group and she serves a sweet group in Upstreet. Mike also found his calling by being a buddy to a boy with autism so that his parents can worship together knowing their son is safe and enjoying his age group. I still have days as I’m pushing Michala in her wheelchair when I feel out of place but it’s me and not the people of the church. It the enemy saying you don’t fit, you’re not like the other families and reminding me it would be easier to be at home. Well anyway you see the battle raging if I don’t give it to God on a daily, several times daily basis and let Him fight it for me and quiet the voices of the enemy. So here’s where all this is coming from. Marlee Anne had a friend reach out to her and invite her to house church. Conveniently it was right down the street from our home so no excuses except for that nasty enemy with those thoughts of, will I know anyone, will I be welcomed, is it ok if I attend another church and on and on ..... Well you get the idea. She went and the rest is history. House church, small group and a loving tribe that we had prayed for. The coolest thing to me is that this is the same church building I walked away from 15 years ago. Jesus healing my hurts and wiping those regrets away? Oh I hope so because my heart needs some healing. To see Marlee Anne being lead by Kurt who we loved as a child and watch him grow into a teen and then into an incredible youth pastor is like coming full circle. He has welcomed Marlee Anne into the youth group and has not once treated her as an outsider. Holly has been such a supportive, encouraging and loving small group leader. Her small group has welcomed her and been so kind. Seeing prayers answered are so precious to my heart. Eastridge recognized the seniors on Saturday with very kind heartfelt gifts and signs at the road. They had a drive thru celebration for them. They have truly been kind welcoming Marlee Anne in. Then Saturday night we made our first trip back to Athens since Marlee Anne had been accepted to UGA. First time in the church parking lot since quarantine and first time seeing the green space completed. So many emotions as Marlee Anne had senior pictures made on the green space. Athens Church set this up as a gift to the seniors. My followup thoughts on all this. I’ve apologized to my sweet girl for my shortcomings. Not sure if that particular regret changed the direction of our sweet girl’s life, helped it go the way it should but I truly believe God used it. Life is hard and I’ve made some plenty of mistakes trying to raise this beautiful gift from God. God loaning Marlee Anne to us and trusting us with her is humbling. Sweet girl we love you dearly and are so thankful you have a Heavenly Father that loves you more than we can ever comprehend. Keep shining and loving.

Dear Mom

The grief counselor said to write letters to those loved ones we miss. That might help they said. At this point it definitely can't hurt. 

Mom, four years ago today I talked to you for the last time here on earth. I have four years worth of stuff I need to talk to you about. First I will tell you thank you for creating a Jesus loving home for me to grow up in. Thank you for teaching me how to love unconditionally. I'm not sure why God thought taking you before He took my babies home was a good idea. Maybe so I would rely on Him more. By His grace I get out of bed each day even when I really don't want to. I sure do miss you and could really use you here with me. I watched you live this journey when Tommy died but I'm not sure I'm doing it quite right. Life is hard and this hurts so incredibly much. I often hold your bible and flip through searching for words that will bring comfort. I love you Mom. 

Thanks so much ya'll for the prayers. I will hopefully catch my breath before the next wave comes in a few days. 

Go Gold!

It's that time of year again. That one month when the world turns gold. No not really. Chances are you won't even realize what this month represents. If your family or your friends haven't been touched by it you probably won't know. At the rate it's going and attacking kids though one day soon you may know it. I still freeze in my tracks when I think back to that day. The first day I heard those words and I fell to the floor. I can see the doctor standing there. I saw his mouth moving but I couldn't hear anything he said after, Michala has stage 4 cancer. What? How? Why? That day is a blur but so very real and still so vivid to me. I hope that you don't know this world. I hope that your closest friends aren't "C" friends. I hope that you don't know the sickest sick as you watch your child endure yet another chemotherapy treatment. I hope that you haven't been to Camp Sunshine. I hope that you have not been to Lighthouse or Blue Skies. I hope that you haven't been called a "Quiet Hero" at the biggest most uplifting event to raise a staggering amount of money for CURE. I hope that you have not had to say "see you later" to your child because of cancer. Well chances are you are reading this and it's true. To my "C" friends I love you! I couldn't have made this journey without you. To my friends who are walking this journey right now my prayers are with you often as my heart breaks. To my precious friends who have the memory of all this without your sweet one to hold onto - I'm so sorry for your heartbreak. You are in my prayers daily my friends. If you made it this far will you please consider going gold to raise awareness for Childhood Cancer?

Walking with Julie

Julie ain't waiting on nobody 😂. She would be behind Michala and I and when we turned around she would turn around and be in front of us. I could have written a book just on the few hours we were together. She is a trip. When we passed a bench she would sit and say she was going to watch for Marlee Anne to come out of class. Most of you know I despise exercise. Well I decided while Marlee Anne is in class Michala and I would walk. The first day was a challenge but yesterday we walked a mile. I know that's not really a lot for most people but for me it was equal to a half marathon. In all honesty I didn't love it. However, I was proud I didn't give up and sit down with Julie cause it was really tempting. I even got up this morning and rode the bike for 4 miles. It's a start right?! It's all those prayers from friends encouraging me on this new lifestyle journey.

Abe's impact on his sister.

I often struggle with understanding the world, why things happen and what was the purpose. Please bear with me as I work through some heart thoughts. 

When Abe was transferred from his birth hospital to Children's Healthcare of Atlanta  one of Mike's dear friends met us there. Mike asked him why this happened. He told Mike that maybe this wasn't about Abe but about Marlee Anne. He went on to explain how maybe God sent Abe here to change, direct and impact Marlee Anne's life. To this day I haven't forgotten his words. 

Over the years lots of people said I bet she will be a nurse. I didn't think she would because taking care of your siblings' medical needs and being in the hospital all the time is something totally different. However whichever direction God leads her in I support. The more she shares about her desire to be a nurse I'm thinking maybe that's it. My mom always wanted to be a nurse so maybe Marlee Anne will do what her Granmama always wanted to do. 

Fast forward 9 years later to yesterday when Marlee Anne took her first college Anatomy and Physiology class. She was so excited. She constantly asked mommie did you know this. Mommie did you know this. She even quizzed dad when he got home. As she was asking me questions I was taken back to that day in the hospital as Mike's friend shared his thoughts as we struggled to find peace and understanding. I had to choke back tears, as a smile came across my face, while thanking God for that little boy and his mighty impact on his sister's life for 6 years. 

Two years

FB asked what's on my mind. Some thoughts only a mom whose child has died would understand and not run away. Before Abe and Mary Elizabeth left I couldn't begin to imagine. I thought I could. I tried for my mom and my friends whose children had passed away but those thoughts and feelings didn't come close to the intense pain and emptiness. All day I have gasped for air trying to fill my lungs with air so the pain wouldn't be so unbearable. When my friend says just breathe, all you have to do at this moment is breathe and she knows just how hard it is to do that. One of the things that CHOA did for us on that day two years ago was a mold of Mary Elizabeth's hand. Tonight seemed like a good time to finally open that box and see her little hand. Even as I try to type this the feelings are just too much. To see her hand, to touch it and remember just how little it was and how tiny her fingers were. That brought up many feelings, lots of tears and so many precious memories. I didn't do this gracefully or beautifully today but my sweet girl would have smiled only because that was just her spirit. Physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally exhausted. I gave it all I had today my beautiful Mary Elizabeth for you. Your life was celebrated and you are missed. 

Triumph vs loss

Marlee Anne is truly a very kind soul. She rarely smarts off, talks back or is short with us. Today it happened twice. I assumed it was because once again our weekend was packed full and I thought she was tired. We have an understanding in our home that when one of us is struggling with missing Mary Elizabeth and Abe we will give each other grace. Tonight once we got home Marlee Anne asked me if she could read something to me. My heart broke. Not only because her heart was hurting but more importantly because I missed it. I didn't ask why she snapped at me twice. I didn't stop to see what was going on or ask her. I didn't take the time to give her grace just because. For that my sweet Marlee Anne I am so very sorry. These are the words she read to me that she had written. 

Triumph vs. Loss

A letter to those that have "lost someone". When someone we love passes away it may seem like a loss but it's really a triumph. You may ask, how can it be a triumph when we miss them so much that it hurts? It was their time to go home. They did everything God planned for them to do, they smiled the biggest smiles, and they taught others so many valuable life lessons. We will always have those precious memories and we will forever have their stories to tell. Right now I know they are in the arms of our Heavenly Father. I can't even imagine their homecoming and how they feel in their heavenly bodies. When they entered those golden gates God counted it as a triumph. In this pain it is so easy to count them passing away as a loss rather than a triumph. The truth is God conquered death so no person that passes away is lost. It will forever be a triumph that our loved ones are in the arms of the Lord. 

“I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing.”

2 Timothy 4:7-8

Happy 30 years!

Happy 30 wonderful, crazy, tough, long, challenging, loving, laughing, God filled and prayerful years. Besides the day I gave my life to Christ and asked Jesus into my heart this is the single most important day in my life. Everyday I am reminded that God knows best. Each day hasn't been easy and it hasn't been a bed of roses all beautiful and perfect but I wouldn't trade these 30 years. Being married to this man has helped mold me into the person God intended for me to be. Still a lot of molding to be done but I know that as that happens my best friend, my rock will be by my side. What a loving, patient and caring provider he is for our family. Thankful that when I want to give up, am mad at God and want to walk away he gently reminds me of 1 Corinthians 13 in the way he lives his life and loves others. He has definitely fulfilled the "in sickness" part of our vows lately. Thanks Mike for spending 30 years married to me!

First Six Flags ride

My first ride ever at Six Flags was the Dahlonega Mine Train. One Saturday morning my daddy woke me up and said let's go. You see when my daddy said let's go I went, no questions asked because it was time riding in the truck with my daddy. I was sitting up high in the truck seeing the world and being treated like a princess. He surprised me with my first trip to Six Flags. That was the first ride and I remember the feeling well. I had no idea what it would be like but it didn't matter cause my daddy said let's do it and he was going to be with me. I miss him but I'm incredibly thankful for wonderful memories to cling to. Im thankful for the memory as well as the reminder that when my Heavenly Father says let's go I should go without hesitation because I know He is right there with me. 

The Leadville Marathon was brutal.

Mike ran the Leadville Marathon last year and wrote this. I wanted to make sure I had it somewhere to keep. 

The Leadville Marathon was brutal.

No doubt about it, I truly bit off more than I could handle, way more than I could handle. I will say in my defense I did not leave the course until the cutoff. With that said, I had a truly great time. Disappointed sure, but I had a great experience. The scenery was spectacular. Running past abandoned mines with their scree fields and down remote trails was amazing. This marathon was more than advertised, it was either straight up or straight down. What really was difficult for me was the trails were covered in baseball and softball sized rock- no pea gravel. Mentally draining, I don't know how many times I had to catch myself. The rocks were so tough that they blew out my jel- cell on my shoes. Sorry New Balance you are not tougher than Leadville.

Mosquito Pass was my breaking point. The highest point on the course 13,200'. By the time I got close to the summit I could not quit coughing to the point I could not take in air. I was struggling. I was hacking as if I had pneumonia. Forward progress was by baby steps. Every time I took a step with my left foot I said Abe and every time I took a step with my right foot I said Mary. Maybe that's what triggered a very kind woman to turn me around and help me to the aid station and a visit to the paramedics. By this time I had a headache as well. Everything checked out okay, except for my pride which we all know comes before the fall. The trail up Mosquito Pass is serious stuff. Marlee Anne and I have found out the hard way that one slip could be fatal on some of the "easy trails" we have hiked in Boulder. People were running up and down Mosquito Pass - crazy stuff. Super athletes. Another indicator of the remoteness of the race course was that  I had to hike down  2 1/2 miles to get a ride down off the mountain after my visit to the ambulance. So physically, I could not make it to the finish line and by the time I reached the next  aid station I had missed the cutoff time.I am wondering now if I could have finished even if I had all day and not the 8 1/2 hours allowed by the race. Prior to the race I logged 40 to 60 miles a week and it was still not enough training.I am a little disappointed that I didn't finish. I feel old. You know what,I am old. 

Anyway here is why I tried the Leadville Marathon. Since the events of last year I have struggled with having a quite time with no distractions to readjust my life without my little man and my sunshine. Work, moving to Colorado, lobbying for HB-1,local politics, work, commuting to Colorado, repainting the entire interior of the house, did I mention work. My life has been a blur.

Maybe that was good, maybe not. Our Pastor in Colorado several months ago had asked us to meditate on God for just ten minutes per day and I faithfully fulfilled that goal, however it never failed  that I could not make it ten minutes focusing on God without the world creeping into my thoughts. I am ashamed. I needed some true alone time to remember my children.Enter Leadville- I knew I would be without phone, Internet and out in the wilderness, but more importantly I would be under physical stress and my thoughts would be simple. Left foot- Abe, right foot - Mary, and so it went all 16.1 miles. A lot of tears were left on the trails of Leadville. A lot of great memories recalled and relived. In the end no medal, but I got more than my money's worth- Thank you Leadville.

Would I do it again. Absolutely Not! I would encourage anyone to try it once. I promise, you will not be disappointed.

Special thanks to James and Emily Mills for my great race jersey. So many positive compliments.

Loving our neighbors

I wrote this on Sunday and since then several things have happened to make me realize why I needed this reminder. 

Marlee Anne shared a really good devotion with us the other day about loving our neighbors. It has been on my heart for several days and I want to share some recent thoughts. 

I don't get out in public too often, at least not everyday. It's probably a good thing because it hurts to see how we treat each other. My view of the world is often through Facebook which may be a very sad thing. I don't watch the news and only read the paper when articles are brought to my attention. Yes sometimes I like to live in the world where things don't seem as bad or sad as they really are. I try to avoid negative post on Facebook where people are constantly complaining and/or bashing others. 

So all that rambling to say we never know the battle someone is dealing with. Did they just have a loved one die? Did they just lose their job? Were they diagnosed with cancer? Are they dealing with depression? Maybe a chronic illness or chronic pain? Do they wonder where their next meal will come from or how they will take care of their family? Does it really matter? I mean what if they aren't battling with anything? What if they are just grumpy? Why does the way someone acts towards us, the color of their skin, their sexual orientation, their religious beliefs, the church they go to, their political stance, the way they dress, whether they have tattoos or not, the car they drive, the motorcycle they ride, the way they wear their hair, their job or financial status matter to the way we treat them? 

You know the person that ran into you? Maybe they don't see well. You know the girl that hollered in public or came a little too close for your comfort? Well maybe she doesn't know not to do that. You know the lady that you helped that didn't say thank you? Maybe she had a lot on her mind. If you needed or expected a thank you maybe you did it for the wrong reason. You know the cashier or attendant that didn't smile? Did you smile at them? Maybe if they just thought someone cared. You know that person that keeps coming to your mind but they grate on your nerves or hurt your feelings ten years ago? Maybe you should call them. Yes I know life is busy and we are all in a hurry but at the end of the day what matters? What matters most? 

Did you show love? Did you care? The person on the other end, on the other side, what will they say? Will they say wow what a nice person? Will their day be changed and made better because you took a second from your busy schedule to say hey or smile at them? How are you loving your neighbor? 

Side note: this was more for me as I'm out in public more and want to be reminded to show Jesus. 

Faith Struggle

This week I have struggled with my faith in ways I never have before. Someone asked me a question and asked me to think about it. As soon as I was asked the question it knocked me too my knees. Not in a good way where I was on my knees to pray but where I was floored. The life knocked out of me. Not only did I have no desire to read scripture but I had no desire to touch or open my bible. That's not a first for me but this time it was different. 

I don't believe the question was what did it or almost sent me over the edge. I think  it was a culmination of so many things in life. I recently had some biopsies that came back bad. I had to have the places cutout to get a clear margin. I've been in pain and I'm not good with pain. I have stitches that I'm waiting to have removed and hope that healing will continue and I will feel better soon. Marlee Anne turned 14 today. Sunday is Mother's Day. I don't think I have faced the fact that this will be my third Mother's Day without my mom and my second without Mary Elizabeth and Abe. It's not how life is supposed to be. Yes that's one of those things people say but this one for me is true. I'm not supposed to have to go through life's challenges without my mom. I'm certainly  not supposed to go through life without two of my children I had here with me. I know other daughters and moms do but I'm not supposed to. Neither are they. 

Maybe all this is just one of the grief stages I haven't hit. Maybe every Mother's Day will be this way. Maybe I'm getting it out of the way so I can enjoy Sunday. 

I know my thoughts are kinda discombobulated (thanks to my upgraded iPhone for the word hints) but I'm saying that to say one card. Just one note card made this week worth it. It made me stop and view how I have lived my life this week. Not very beautifully. One FaceTime with a cherished friend reminded me of how God places people in our lives at just the right time and gives us our hearts desire even at times when we are not sure what our desire is or what we need. Family and friends there to help out when they know I couldn't do it without them. 

I'm not sure why this off roading has taken place but I'm hoping I'm soon back on the right path. 

Do it for Hawk!

Abe's wheelchair holds so many wonderful memories but no longer holds him. We were happy to give it to Hawk. It's been covered with so many prayers by so many over the years. Passing those prayers along with many more over to Hawk. Love he and his mommy dearly. #doitforhawk

8 years ago

I was preparing for the hospital 8 years ago today. I was to be induced the next day. I was nervous about what lied ahead of us but was so excited to meet my baby boy. A boy! Mom said they steal your heart. She said there is nothing like a baby boy. 

The day was spent making sure everything was in place. Everything packed, someone to keep Mary Elizabeth and Michala, all their meds in place and everything in order. Well as much as it could be. 

Marlee Anne was coming with us and she was so excited. I think she was more excited than anyone. All she talked about was her little brother. 

We knew he had clubfeet and already had things in place for that. He and I had been covered in prayer so we were ready to go. 

VNS replacement

Michala had her Vagal Nerve Stimulator replaced. It's so hard to let you child go into the arms of someone else and let them be put to sleep. Going to Egleston is such a hard thing for me now after that dreaded day we walked out without Mary Elizabeth a year ago. This was our second time back there since she passed away. We had the most wonderful day surgery nurse, Michelle. Her sweet, fun and caring personality put us all at ease. Our precious PICU nurse Claire was even in recovery with Michala. Love those reminders that God always goes before us to lay it all out. Thankful for a successful and uncomplicated surgery. We are home trying to keep her pain and nausea under control. Thanks for the prayers! 

As we were trying to decide what and when do to something to honor and remember Abe I wanted to release floating lanterns. My smart husband said well I am not sure we can do that in Colorado so I called the Fire Department to check. Sure enough once again Mike was right. A sweet friend said do whatever you want to do. Go somewhere Abe would enjoy or do something together he would like. However "we" weren't together. The other part of me was in Georgia. Thankfully we had a couple of friends over and we all went to Dave & Buster's. Marlee Anne said Abe would love that and all the stuffed animals. He did love him some stuffed animals. We did some surprises along the way for others and hope it blessed them. 

A dear friend wanted to bring balloons over and my first response was no. I just didn't think I was up to it. So thankful it worked out and we got to release some balloons. 

The rest of my night was filled with love, laughter and tears with a friend I have known for two short months but it seems like we have known each other our whole lives. I love when God's work is so evident in my life. 

Thankful for the virtual hugs I got from Georgia as my heart longed to be home with ya'll and among Abe's things. 

To My Baby Boy

A year ago when God called you home my life changed forever. That day I thought I would never smile or laugh again. Somedays it's hard to breathe and it's evident to me that it is God within me breathing. 

Someone said God needed you but your daddy reminds me God didn't need you because He doesn't need any of us but He wanted you just like He wants all of us. I am thankful as I struggle to function that He still wants me. 

My memories of you Abraham Thomas make me smile. There are times when there are tears but that's because I miss you so very much. 

You are missed. Because you touched so many lives in your six years here your memory goes on. I love to talk about you. Your daddy and especially your sissy are so very good about doing that. 

My precious boy I pray that you know I love you. I miss holding you at 2:00 AM while you had a seizure. I never understood that when my friend told me that but now I do. Because of you Abe I am a better person. I look at life so differently because of you. I know how to be more patient, I forgive more

easily and I love more. I rely on God more, my faith is stronger and I am working on giving myself more grace. Thank you for making me a better me. 

Saying thank you for blessing my life for six years seems so trivial but as I think of your life and how much love was packed into six years I am so grateful. Proof once again that God knows what He is doing.  

Please give your sister, your brother, Granmama, Ging, & Uncle Tommy a hug for me. Remind them that I love them and tell them I will see them soon. Enjoy your time with Jesus while getting our mansion ready. Your daddy is still taking good care of us and reminding us how the story ends. 

I love you sweet boy,

Mommie

Wrestling with God

Wrestling with God

This was the title of Sunday's sermon. As soon as I saw it I wanted to bolt out the door. Yes there are thousands of other people there but I knew this sermon was written for me. 

As Jim began talking about we are thankful for something and know it's right BUT..... I was there. I was sucked in going through every thought. 

Yes I know Abe isn't having seizures anymore BUT I want to hold him one more time even if it's while he is having a seizure. 

Yes I know he is running around playing BUT I want to run with him. 

Yes I know he is breathing on his own BUT just one more time I want to put that oxygen back in his nose and silence that monitor beeping. 

My list goes on and on but for ya'll I will stop there. Now the battle about my sweet baby girl. 

I know Mary Elizabeth is sitting at the feet of Jesus taking it all in BUT I want her here with me. Eight months ago just three months since Abe left us she was gone. God what could I have done different? How could I have saved her? What if (very dangerous words) I had taken her to the hospital sooner? What did I miss? Why did I miss it? 

I know our days are numbered. I believe the date was already chosen BUT I still blame myself. I still question. I still ask. I still wonder. 

I know we are in the right place right now for Michala BUT I miss being together as a family. 

I am thankful Michala is getting help BUT I wish more people had this medicine. 

I know getting her off pharmaceutical medications was the right thing to do BUT when she has a seizure I wonder will she have to have them again. 

I know she is doing so much better than before cannabis oil BUT what if (that dangerous word again) that changes. 

I know Mike is a big boy BUT I worry about his traveling and the stress of providing two homes for us is causing him. 

God has blessed us with wonderful friends here BUT I miss our family and friends in GA. 

We have a wonderful church here BUT I miss those Sunday morning hugs and that southern breakfast. 

We have a nice home BUT I miss the comforts of our home. 

We are not starving BUT I miss Henderson's and all the local southern food. 

I call it a war raging but I am definitely wrestling with God. I believe Him and trust Him and I am so thankful that He is ok with me wrestling with Him. When I tire from the wrestling I am thankful to know He will be there waiting to hold me, love me and continue to carry me. 

Through the pain

In awe of God and this beautiful sky tonight. Today has been filled with searching to find understanding, peace and healing. Thankful for the constant of God even when I don't understand. Thankful for His comfort even through the pain and sadness. 

Seven months today - June 7, 2015

So many days spent at CHOA. So many of those days in the PICU. Not the way I dreamed it would go but all part of God's plan. We didn't get to attend the memorial service for the children that passed away in the PICU in 2014. Still she wasn't forgotten. They remembered her with this butterfly and sent it to us. So very thankful for the hospital staff and especially those PICU nurses that carried us through so many long days and nights. Especially on November 7, 2014.