Heart thoughts - 18, graduation, college

Ok so between 18th birthday, graduation, leaving for college, way more reflection than my heart was prepared for and just life my emotions are all over the place so please bear with me or just skip this raw, honest, transparent, heart over flowing long and possibly rambling post. After Abe was born we tried to continue going to church. We had three children with extensive special needs along with one normal, typical, active, healthy 6 year old. It was hard juggling each of their needs and doing what was best for us as a family. I was done, beat down, given up, tired of trying and exhausted. Yes those are all hard for me to even type even though I know I should admit it more often because a child with extensive special needs turning into an adult doesn’t suddenly make life easier. Nor does two of those children leaving make it easier. So after much prayer I walked away. Not from Jesus because I knew I couldn’t do any of this on my own or without Him but from the church. I should say the church building. It was easier to be at home doing church even though back then there wasn’t online options that there are now. It wasn’t easy to walk away because we had been there since Mary Elizabeth was 3, so 12 years. It was easier being at home even though we missed the people until that 6 year old missed it and needed that fellowship. I have a few regrets in life and this is one that haunts me quite often if I let it. When your child comes to you and ask to go back to church it’s a clear answer to prayers we had been praying for awhile. Our dear friend invited us to Starrsville. Mike stayed at home with everyone and Marlee Anne and I went to church. This church welcomed everyone of us and loved us well. It was just easier not to take everyone and have to be worried (because of us not the church) about them being loud and disruptive. The friendships made here we never knew why God was creating them and making them so strong. When mom passed away we knew. This church stepped in and loved us so incredibly well. This sweet girl had just lost her best friend and each one of these ladies at church that she had become friends with continued to love her so well as she grieved. When Abe and then Mary Elizabeth passed away they once again stepped in to love us so well. Even while we were in Colorado they loved us so well from a distance. Thanks to a lot of prayer along with Focus on the Family we found a church our second Sunday there in Colorado. The most amazing ministry for older children with special needs. Because of that ministry Mike and I were able to worship together in service for the first time in years. The life long friendships made at this church will be cherished forever. It will be a church model that Marlee Anne will keep in mind for her church so that families with special needs are ministered too and not lost in the crowd. When we moved back home finding a church was harder than ever. No where could we find a model like our Colorado church. Find a church and start the ministry? Yes that was a thought but mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually I wasn’t ready. We visited, searched, prayed, visited and I cried lots of tears. Again I was ready to be done. Could I just stay at home? A wise man said no let’s keep searching. My heart hurt and I didn’t want to search and feel out of place anymore. A group of beautiful hearted UGA Miracle college students invited us to church with them. Ok why not. The biggest plus was that there was a place for Michala. No it’s not a ministry for her. It’s a place where she can sit with Mike and I during worship. It wasn’t like being at home in our church in Colorado but it worked. Marlee Anne has her small group and she serves a sweet group in Upstreet. Mike also found his calling by being a buddy to a boy with autism so that his parents can worship together knowing their son is safe and enjoying his age group. I still have days as I’m pushing Michala in her wheelchair when I feel out of place but it’s me and not the people of the church. It the enemy saying you don’t fit, you’re not like the other families and reminding me it would be easier to be at home. Well anyway you see the battle raging if I don’t give it to God on a daily, several times daily basis and let Him fight it for me and quiet the voices of the enemy. So here’s where all this is coming from. Marlee Anne had a friend reach out to her and invite her to house church. Conveniently it was right down the street from our home so no excuses except for that nasty enemy with those thoughts of, will I know anyone, will I be welcomed, is it ok if I attend another church and on and on ..... Well you get the idea. She went and the rest is history. House church, small group and a loving tribe that we had prayed for. The coolest thing to me is that this is the same church building I walked away from 15 years ago. Jesus healing my hurts and wiping those regrets away? Oh I hope so because my heart needs some healing. To see Marlee Anne being lead by Kurt who we loved as a child and watch him grow into a teen and then into an incredible youth pastor is like coming full circle. He has welcomed Marlee Anne into the youth group and has not once treated her as an outsider. Holly has been such a supportive, encouraging and loving small group leader. Her small group has welcomed her and been so kind. Seeing prayers answered are so precious to my heart. Eastridge recognized the seniors on Saturday with very kind heartfelt gifts and signs at the road. They had a drive thru celebration for them. They have truly been kind welcoming Marlee Anne in. Then Saturday night we made our first trip back to Athens since Marlee Anne had been accepted to UGA. First time in the church parking lot since quarantine and first time seeing the green space completed. So many emotions as Marlee Anne had senior pictures made on the green space. Athens Church set this up as a gift to the seniors. My followup thoughts on all this. I’ve apologized to my sweet girl for my shortcomings. Not sure if that particular regret changed the direction of our sweet girl’s life, helped it go the way it should but I truly believe God used it. Life is hard and I’ve made some plenty of mistakes trying to raise this beautiful gift from God. God loaning Marlee Anne to us and trusting us with her is humbling. Sweet girl we love you dearly and are so thankful you have a Heavenly Father that loves you more than we can ever comprehend. Keep shining and loving.

Dear Mom

The grief counselor said to write letters to those loved ones we miss. That might help they said. At this point it definitely can't hurt. 

Mom, four years ago today I talked to you for the last time here on earth. I have four years worth of stuff I need to talk to you about. First I will tell you thank you for creating a Jesus loving home for me to grow up in. Thank you for teaching me how to love unconditionally. I'm not sure why God thought taking you before He took my babies home was a good idea. Maybe so I would rely on Him more. By His grace I get out of bed each day even when I really don't want to. I sure do miss you and could really use you here with me. I watched you live this journey when Tommy died but I'm not sure I'm doing it quite right. Life is hard and this hurts so incredibly much. I often hold your bible and flip through searching for words that will bring comfort. I love you Mom. 

Thanks so much ya'll for the prayers. I will hopefully catch my breath before the next wave comes in a few days. 

Go Gold!

It's that time of year again. That one month when the world turns gold. No not really. Chances are you won't even realize what this month represents. If your family or your friends haven't been touched by it you probably won't know. At the rate it's going and attacking kids though one day soon you may know it. I still freeze in my tracks when I think back to that day. The first day I heard those words and I fell to the floor. I can see the doctor standing there. I saw his mouth moving but I couldn't hear anything he said after, Michala has stage 4 cancer. What? How? Why? That day is a blur but so very real and still so vivid to me. I hope that you don't know this world. I hope that your closest friends aren't "C" friends. I hope that you don't know the sickest sick as you watch your child endure yet another chemotherapy treatment. I hope that you haven't been to Camp Sunshine. I hope that you have not been to Lighthouse or Blue Skies. I hope that you haven't been called a "Quiet Hero" at the biggest most uplifting event to raise a staggering amount of money for CURE. I hope that you have not had to say "see you later" to your child because of cancer. Well chances are you are reading this and it's true. To my "C" friends I love you! I couldn't have made this journey without you. To my friends who are walking this journey right now my prayers are with you often as my heart breaks. To my precious friends who have the memory of all this without your sweet one to hold onto - I'm so sorry for your heartbreak. You are in my prayers daily my friends. If you made it this far will you please consider going gold to raise awareness for Childhood Cancer?

Walking with Julie

Julie ain't waiting on nobody 😂. She would be behind Michala and I and when we turned around she would turn around and be in front of us. I could have written a book just on the few hours we were together. She is a trip. When we passed a bench she would sit and say she was going to watch for Marlee Anne to come out of class. Most of you know I despise exercise. Well I decided while Marlee Anne is in class Michala and I would walk. The first day was a challenge but yesterday we walked a mile. I know that's not really a lot for most people but for me it was equal to a half marathon. In all honesty I didn't love it. However, I was proud I didn't give up and sit down with Julie cause it was really tempting. I even got up this morning and rode the bike for 4 miles. It's a start right?! It's all those prayers from friends encouraging me on this new lifestyle journey.

Abe's impact on his sister.

I often struggle with understanding the world, why things happen and what was the purpose. Please bear with me as I work through some heart thoughts. 

When Abe was transferred from his birth hospital to Children's Healthcare of Atlanta  one of Mike's dear friends met us there. Mike asked him why this happened. He told Mike that maybe this wasn't about Abe but about Marlee Anne. He went on to explain how maybe God sent Abe here to change, direct and impact Marlee Anne's life. To this day I haven't forgotten his words. 

Over the years lots of people said I bet she will be a nurse. I didn't think she would because taking care of your siblings' medical needs and being in the hospital all the time is something totally different. However whichever direction God leads her in I support. The more she shares about her desire to be a nurse I'm thinking maybe that's it. My mom always wanted to be a nurse so maybe Marlee Anne will do what her Granmama always wanted to do. 

Fast forward 9 years later to yesterday when Marlee Anne took her first college Anatomy and Physiology class. She was so excited. She constantly asked mommie did you know this. Mommie did you know this. She even quizzed dad when he got home. As she was asking me questions I was taken back to that day in the hospital as Mike's friend shared his thoughts as we struggled to find peace and understanding. I had to choke back tears, as a smile came across my face, while thanking God for that little boy and his mighty impact on his sister's life for 6 years. 

Two years

FB asked what's on my mind. Some thoughts only a mom whose child has died would understand and not run away. Before Abe and Mary Elizabeth left I couldn't begin to imagine. I thought I could. I tried for my mom and my friends whose children had passed away but those thoughts and feelings didn't come close to the intense pain and emptiness. All day I have gasped for air trying to fill my lungs with air so the pain wouldn't be so unbearable. When my friend says just breathe, all you have to do at this moment is breathe and she knows just how hard it is to do that. One of the things that CHOA did for us on that day two years ago was a mold of Mary Elizabeth's hand. Tonight seemed like a good time to finally open that box and see her little hand. Even as I try to type this the feelings are just too much. To see her hand, to touch it and remember just how little it was and how tiny her fingers were. That brought up many feelings, lots of tears and so many precious memories. I didn't do this gracefully or beautifully today but my sweet girl would have smiled only because that was just her spirit. Physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally exhausted. I gave it all I had today my beautiful Mary Elizabeth for you. Your life was celebrated and you are missed. 

Triumph vs loss

Marlee Anne is truly a very kind soul. She rarely smarts off, talks back or is short with us. Today it happened twice. I assumed it was because once again our weekend was packed full and I thought she was tired. We have an understanding in our home that when one of us is struggling with missing Mary Elizabeth and Abe we will give each other grace. Tonight once we got home Marlee Anne asked me if she could read something to me. My heart broke. Not only because her heart was hurting but more importantly because I missed it. I didn't ask why she snapped at me twice. I didn't stop to see what was going on or ask her. I didn't take the time to give her grace just because. For that my sweet Marlee Anne I am so very sorry. These are the words she read to me that she had written. 

Triumph vs. Loss

A letter to those that have "lost someone". When someone we love passes away it may seem like a loss but it's really a triumph. You may ask, how can it be a triumph when we miss them so much that it hurts? It was their time to go home. They did everything God planned for them to do, they smiled the biggest smiles, and they taught others so many valuable life lessons. We will always have those precious memories and we will forever have their stories to tell. Right now I know they are in the arms of our Heavenly Father. I can't even imagine their homecoming and how they feel in their heavenly bodies. When they entered those golden gates God counted it as a triumph. In this pain it is so easy to count them passing away as a loss rather than a triumph. The truth is God conquered death so no person that passes away is lost. It will forever be a triumph that our loved ones are in the arms of the Lord. 

“I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing.”

2 Timothy 4:7-8

Happy 30 years!

Happy 30 wonderful, crazy, tough, long, challenging, loving, laughing, God filled and prayerful years. Besides the day I gave my life to Christ and asked Jesus into my heart this is the single most important day in my life. Everyday I am reminded that God knows best. Each day hasn't been easy and it hasn't been a bed of roses all beautiful and perfect but I wouldn't trade these 30 years. Being married to this man has helped mold me into the person God intended for me to be. Still a lot of molding to be done but I know that as that happens my best friend, my rock will be by my side. What a loving, patient and caring provider he is for our family. Thankful that when I want to give up, am mad at God and want to walk away he gently reminds me of 1 Corinthians 13 in the way he lives his life and loves others. He has definitely fulfilled the "in sickness" part of our vows lately. Thanks Mike for spending 30 years married to me!

First Six Flags ride

My first ride ever at Six Flags was the Dahlonega Mine Train. One Saturday morning my daddy woke me up and said let's go. You see when my daddy said let's go I went, no questions asked because it was time riding in the truck with my daddy. I was sitting up high in the truck seeing the world and being treated like a princess. He surprised me with my first trip to Six Flags. That was the first ride and I remember the feeling well. I had no idea what it would be like but it didn't matter cause my daddy said let's do it and he was going to be with me. I miss him but I'm incredibly thankful for wonderful memories to cling to. Im thankful for the memory as well as the reminder that when my Heavenly Father says let's go I should go without hesitation because I know He is right there with me.